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A GUIDE TO VISITING SUNTAN BEACH

This post is all about my day today in lagos. I went to ‘Suntan Beach’. Suntan Beach is a government owned (public) beach west of Lagos city. It’s located about a 15 minute car ride from the border of Benin Republic. We paid 300 naira (approx. 1 pound) for parking and 500 naira each for entry. Anyone that knows me well knows that I love Lagos and I am always bragging about how amazing it is here…whether you want nightlife, culture, FOOD or amazing open-hearted people to hang with, we have it. Lagos is definitely rough around the edges but that is why I love this city, so perfect in its imperfection #NowhereComparesI hope one day you’ll have a chance to explore my city if you haven’t already. All I will leave you with today is some pictures from my day at ‘Suntan Beach’ #Enjoy #Indulge #VisitLagos #SassyFunke

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Last Night on the streets of Fontainebleau

So I really should be studying for this marketing exam that is taking place in less than 12 hours but I am tired. There is only so much one can absorb after so many hours. I am itching to write about my experience last night so here goes. It’s nothing ground breaking, it is just a conversation I had.As I was walking home alongside a classmate last night at about 10pm, having spent hours trying to understand difficult concepts of ‘Corporate Financial Policy’ which I am still not sure I quite understand. Let me try not to digress. So, as I was walking along the quiet streets of Fontainebleau, I saw the cutest dog ever (I think she was swiss mountain dog #CutestDogEver…I plan on stealing her the next time I see her). I went over to the dog to pet her as she was truly adorable. The owner told me not to worry that the dog was friendly. As I pet the dog, I started a conversation with this lady (a very good-looking, older mature woman –its crazy how younger women look these days #TheCompetitionIsGettingTougher lol).She asked me whether I studied at INSEAD, to which I responded positive. She then went on to tell me about her journey through life. She told me how she just moved back here to Fontainebleau (a town where she raised her kids). She told me of her journey of travel around the world to the U.S.A and around Europe. She told me of her joy and happiness of being back in a town she loved. She then proceeded to ask me what my plans after INSEAD were in regard to where I would move to. I responded that I was keeping my options open but would love to be back in Africa at some point. She asked whether I was married and I responded ‘no’.After I responded ‘no’, she mentioned how she was brought up in the 40’s and how life was much different then and how there was a huge pressure to get married at a very young age. She said ‘Then, if you weren’t married by the age of 25, you were an OLD maid and no one wanted to be that’. She said we were lucky in this generation that we could make our own choices without so much scrutiny from society. She said she was married at 18 alongside most of her friends and started bearing kids at a very young age. She talked of her stories of attended evening school to brush up on skills with her little toddlers. She talked about how she and all her friends were very dependent on their husbands. She also said her alongside 99% of all her friends that got married then were now divorced.

She left me with this: ‘Keep building you and remember, First of all to take care of YOU’

For some reason, I was left with goose bumps after speaking to her. Her message of me taking care of me struck a chord and I can’t explain it but I feel different now than I felt before I met her. I don’t think it’s necessarily profound but its simplicity runs deep.

With that I leave you….

#SassyFunke

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The Doom of Expectation

What’s that saying again? “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”  Expectations are things I always advise my friends not to have. Expectations have made me cry myself to sleep. They have made me question humanity and its potential to do harm. They have made me confused about life. They have made me numb at times. They have left me in a state, a state which I would never wish any one to be in.Setting benchmarks of the attitudes and behaviors we want others to uphold could be us setting ourselves up for disappointment. When we set expectations, we give others the potential power to control us . Whether or not they live up to these expectations potentially affects the way we view them and perhaps the way we view our relationships with them and also potentially the way we act towards them and others.

My mum always told me never to expect much of anyone, that anyone and everyone has the potential to do harm, not necessarily because they always do so intentionally but because of circumstances and primarily because people are human. She tells me how important it is to let people be who they truly are and that I need to respect the behaviors of others. But most importantly, she said that what I need to do is to personally decide which behaviors to keep and accept as a part of my life and that I need to do so silently. She said never to complicate life or over-think things and that the people who were meant to be a part of my life would naturally stick and also to never go chasing of people that don’t. What is yours is yours and can never be taken from you, she says.

I love all she said but I think am still struggling with the whole notion of not having expectations of people. Is it possible for me to call you a friend and have no expectations of you? As much as expectations have led to tears in the past, I still have them of those I am close to. I advise people not to have expectations of others, but the question is, Is it really possible for us not to have expectations of those close to us? Can we honestly say we have no expectations of anyone? Hmmm, something to ponder on….what are YOUR thoughts on this?

#SassyFunke

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Hate That I Love You

How could I love you as much as I hate you? How could I love and hate the fact that you test me each day? How come am staying even though you push my limits every day? One day am complaining about how you treat me, the next I am on a different high bragging about how I love you?It’s been nearly 4 months out of my 10-month MBA course and I am yet to express my feelings on paper about my experience thus far. I came to business school full of hope, full of excitement and full of uncertainty. I came knowing simply that I needed change, a change that would move me drastically closer towards my hopes and dreams.

So my thoughts on business school so far. Well I think most people that know INSEAD business school know that it’s extremely diverse in terms of backgrounds, nationalities and experiences. For me, It has been an extremely valuable experience to be in a midst of such smart and talented people who I can pose stupid questions to about industry and who won’t openly think I am a bit ‘thick’ (that’s an English expression for stupid or unknowledgeable).

Since I have been here and judging by the comments I receive from friends and family (based on my posts on Facebook and Instagram), one would think I was dancing and making fun dance videos all day at INSEAD (perhaps I’ll share a video in my next post). The truth is INSEAD is a pretty fun and exciting experience. I have had opportunities to develop friendships, to attend awesome parties, to learn about companies, to do company visits, to explore potential career opportunities, to learn and to GROW. The truth is INSEAD is also a pretty pretty INTENSE experience. I knew going on a condensed 2-year MBA program that would only last 10 months was a little crazy but now I KNOW for sure it is. But those who know me, know that crazy and I live together and are pretty much best of friends.

Sometimes I feel like am in a circus juggling 30 balls at the same time. During my first two months, I tried to juggle all 30 balls given to me and tried to act like a superstar. Currently, I’ve decided to take a good look at the balls and say “hmmm, I think you 15 balls are important to me” so lets juggle away. Even 15 balls is a lot to handle so when one of the balls fall to the ground, I tell myself “its ok, I’ll pick you up later” (truth is most times I forget to pick up the ball from the floor as I keep receiving new balls to juggle). To be honest, initially I thought I was very undeserving of this experience and often wondered what INSEAD saw in me to accept me into its program. I battled this a lot as I thought I was the only one struggling. After a few conversations with other classmates, it felt very comforting to know that I was one among many jugglers experiencing this mad mad circus. I used to question why why why? (why such an intense circus, why can’t we slow down the show, why don’t I have two more hands to juggle?). Now I have decided to just play my part in the circus and do the best I can. I may not achieve “perfection” but I know for sure I will be transformed by the end of the show.

So to answer the questions I raised in my opening paragraph, I hate this experience because it has definitely turned my world upside down. The experience is nothing like I have even seen. It keeps pushing my limits. It makes me evaluate what matters and what doesn’t. But I love INSEAD because I wouldn’t have it any other way. I want to be pushed, I want my limits tested. Not everyone gets to experience such an enthralling experience so I feel blessed to be able to be a part of this amazing journey. I know this experience will come to an end in a flash but before it does, I am going to make sure I hate and love this it to the max.

I hate you and then I love you. It’s like I want to throw you off a cliff, then rush to the bottom to catch you. – UNKNOWN 

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The Ones Worth Suffering For

A conversation between a friend and I went as below (when I found out some surprisingly shocking news)

#Sassyfunke: Mehn, I am scared of human beings
Friend: What do you mean?
#Sassyfunke: Like, who can one trust in this life sef. People just disappoint you every time
Friend:  Stay there
#Sassyfunke: Na wa oo
Friend: You need to ask yourself what people’s motivations are when they do things or else…I genuinely believe this is one of the best piece of advice I have ever received to date, that is to ask yourself what the motivation of others are when they step in your life, do things or act a certain way. I used to wonder in the past why bad things happen to “good” people quite frequently. I know good things happen to “good” people but let’s just focus on the negative things. When I say good people, I mean people that are genuine at heart and that approach new people with a truly open welcoming heart. “Good” people tend to easily open up their hearts, their home, themselves to everyone thinking that all is innocent before proven guilty. I am here to challenge that behavior. I am not saying that people should be perceived as guilty first before proven innocent but I am saying that we live in world where people are driven by selfish motivations and interests and as such one needs to be tactical about who we open our doors to (unless you want to come out of the world bruised and battered).  I am saying not everyone deserves the right to see YOU, know YOU and have a place in YOUR world. As human beings, we don’t have enough years to give everyone a benefit of doubt.  I used to ask why people could be so cruel. I no longer ask, I know the answer. The answer is simply that selfishness has blinded a lot of people. These people were simply focused on themselves, selfishly. This is a behavior which am sure has resonated with all of us at some point in our lives.

I see “questioning people’s motivations” as a way to pre-screen individuals. Most times, if you screen well, you can pretty much save yourself time, hassle and a lot of unnecessary drama. Bob Marley said ‘The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for’. I used to be the type of person who would be open to everyone and truly saw the best in people until they proved otherwise. I have changed. I don’t give much of myself to the world as I used to, not because I don’t have a lot to give but because I have become very selective about who I give to (and also because I value my time a lot more than I used to) and by doing so, I have a lot more peace of mind and a lot less drama around me. Some have accused me of not caring anymore but I disagree, I care immensely, but only for the ones I deem worth suffering for.

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

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What’s Your Worth?

Worth according to the dictionary means the level at which someone or something deserves to be valued or rated. I love the term ‘worth’ because I believe it is one of the most important notions in the world. Whether it comes to careers or relationships, I think it is very important for all individuals to be able to assess and define his or her own worth.

The notion of worth is important for one fundamental reason and that is that knowing your worth is an important benchmark for how others relate to us and for what we accept from them. For example, if you feel you are a premium ‘I only wear Salvatore Ferragamo’ babe (for my non-nigerians, am referring to a girl that has high taste and loves the good good life), then most guys who date you should know that you may not be impressed by that $50 H&M dress as a birthday gift. This is a bit of an extreme funny analogy but it serves the purpose needed here.

Not knowing your worth is a bit of a dangerous and slippery slope. Why? The world could and will generously help define your worth for you and odds are you would most probably accept whatever value it decides to place on you (since you yourself are not clear on your worth, its easier to accept what you are dished). It is important to know as a fact that the world will never rate your worth higher than its own worth. So I don’t think we want the world defining any of our worths.

I think there were moments in my life that I forgot my worth. I forgot how truly amazing I was. I forgot how much love, how much care and how much light I was. I am not perfect. Actually am pretty sure am verrrry imperfect but I have some pretty decent qualities (modest me lol). I remember when I let others treat me with such distaste and I began to let their negative words define me, I let their words become ME. I look back at those days and I try to analyze and understand what happened. I came to the conclusion that I lost myself when I starting putting my wants and needs on the back burner and I had this increasing urge to please and satisfy others. I did not want to be misunderstood, to be misinterpreted, and to be misstated so at every corner, I was constantly explaining myself, doubting myself, losing myself. I was constantly looking up at everyone as if to say everyone was better than me. I am thankful for the amazing support system I call friends and family who are forever present to remind me of my forever increasing worth.

I challenge you today to define your own worth, to define your own standards and to ensure that people live up to them. I challenge you to stand firm in who you are. Who you are, what you belief, what you stand for might not be popular today or tomorrow. You may be a needle in a haystack but what’s so wrong with that? What is so wrong with being so unique, with being so imperfect? I actually see uniqueness and differences as beauty.

There is something so so so attractive about those who are so different and confident in their own worth.

Do you know your worth?

#Sassyfunke

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The Games We Play

So I think am a bit of a comedian. Earlier this week I had a conversation with a few friends. We were three girls and a guy having this random conversation. So in my humorous attitude (always trying to lighten the mood), I said to the girls with the guy present: ‘I don’t know why (the guy present) doesn’t like me, like I am doing everything in my power to tell him am crazy about him. I tell him everyday I love him and still nothing, what am I doing wrong?’. So one of the girls responded and said ‘Just do the opposite and he’ll be after you, ignore him and you will have all you want’. We all just burst out laughing . Perhaps I could take up stand up stand up comedy after business school? Note sure that would make a good return on investment but who knows what the future holds (Am sure my african parents would faint at the thought so I think i will park that idea).

Anyways, this was a very comical conversation but brings up an interesting issue I thought, an issue I have never fully understood (But one which I have come across multiple times in my young life), ‘why do we love playing games?’ I mean why can’t we just be real and be open with what we want, what we like? Why can’t be upfront about what we like, what we don’t like and what we are indifferent about? Is that we are afraid to be seen in a vulnerable state? What are we so afraid of? What is it about human nature that loves the twist and turns? Some might say they want a smooth run and want drama free relationships and life’s but do we truly want that? What is it about drama, twist and turns that we cannot resist? 

So what is my own personal perspective about games? Let me give you a story about #Sassyfunke when she was 14/15. I had a huge crush on a guy in high school (and what everyone found shocking was how open and unapologetic I was about it). I never denied my crush, I openly discussed it, even in his presence and even though the feeling wasn’t reciprocated right away, I never once felt shy about it (I felt what I felt and that was that). I give this story to highlight how I don’t like games. What was the point in me stalking him, sending subliminal messages and giving him random signals at the high school dance (that would have required too much effort which I had no time for even as a teen).

As a Gemini, I have a dual personality so in most circumstances I have two very contrasting ways of seeing things. When it comes to games though, I would fundamentally say I don’t like games, games are such hard work, they create confusion, and they make your head go into overdrive. I can’t stand them. I love honesty; I appreciate people being upfront with their intentions and their motivations. On the flip side, to be completely honest I would say that games could make life a little bit interesting. I think I enjoy games a tiny tiny tiny little bit but they get very old and boring pretty quick. Like I don’t think I have the capacity to mentally tolerate games for longer than 5 minutes. I think I really have a low tolerance for BS so I can’t take games for too long (like my old friend JayZ puts it #OnToTheNextOne).

What are your own views on games? To Love or not to Love?

#Sassyfunke

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Behind The Status

It’s been over two months since I have been at business school. I can say it honestly took me a few weeks to feel comfortable and fully be the ‘Funke’ everyone before business school knew me to be. Not quite sure I am fully me yet but close enough.As time went by, I definitely went through what I call the superficial phase of meeting people where I went around asking what people’s names were, what they did prior to business school and what they hoped to do after graduation. To be honest, I got pretty bored asking these same questions to near 300 other classmates. I felt I knew people’s CVs in and out and nothing about who they were, what drove them, who they were outside that piece of paper. I knew nothing about their stories, their journeys.

My parents always said I was such a people person since I was a teenager. I loved the prospect of leaving home at 14 to move to another country simply because I always embraced any opportunity to explore all things culturally different and the chance to meet and get to know people. I don’t think I have ever been homesick. For me, exploring was simply a way of life.

Back to business school. Rather than resign to continuing asking such monotonous questions, I took a step back to ‘interviewing’ my classmates. When I say interviewing, I mean asking beneath the surface questions and really taking things a little bit more personal. I remember the first time I did this was at a party. Don’t get me wrong, I love partying more than the average person but over time I have used this medium to really take a step back and get to know people on a much deeper level in between showing off my dance moves of course. I have interviewed my classmates over the casual dinner, on the walks home, and over weekend trips (I really felt for my classmate who was stuck in a 9hr car trip with me with no way of escaping…let’s just say our friendship and bond has now been carved in stone). My questions are never scripted and have always been with the intent of truly getting to KNOW people.

I have been impressed by how people opened up and gave me a perspective of who they were, a perspective I may have not known if I didn’t ask those seemingly awkward, perhaps perceivably intruding questions at that party at 2am. I have definitely received the ‘wow, you are crazy’, ‘Did you really ask me that?’, ‘Thanks for asking’ and the ‘I am glad I got to know you’. My aim is never to make people feel uncomfortable but simply to develop truer relationships.

So what is the point behind my words this morning? It’s simply to say, behind every human being, every status, every CV, there is a person, a journey, a living book which we know nothing about but whose journey we could be outstanded by if we took to courage to step outside the norm and really make an effort to see beneath the surface.

“True vision is the ability to see in another more than they are showing you.” – Neale Donald Walsch

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STAYING FREE, STAYING ME

We live in a world where our every step and action is looked up, frowned up and judged. At some point, we may have let the voice of the world lead us somewhere, somewhere unknown, somewhere uncomfortable. Why do we allow the world so much voice in something it knows so little about? The moments where I have let the voice of the world lead me, judge me have been some of my worst times as I clearly knew that my actions had nothing to do with my feelings or my thoughts. I knew I wasn’t happy with my decisions even though the ‘normal’ person would view my actions as right and truly I regret these moments. The truth I learnt over time is that I am not normal, I am ME. I am different and unique and I don’t do the ordinary, I am a bit different from the ordinary (maybe very different). My actions cannot be predicted and this is not because I am rebel, or because I take risks that seem un-calculated, that seem not thought through. I am believer and I am a dreamer. I AM ME.

One should realize very early on that you can not let the world determine your path. The world doesn’t know your story, it doesn’t know your struggle, and it doesn’t even understand your pain and believe me it will not share in it. The world out of curiosity, out of love, out of concern, even out of jealousy will give you passionate, seemingly ‘right’ advice. There is nothing wrong with being open and listening to what the world has to say but know that the world doesn’t know what you know, IT DOESN’T KNOW YOU.

Know that you are unique and know that the world will always have something to say, whether good or bad. Don’t let these sound bites lead you into a false sense of security or insecurity. Know that this journey is all yours for the taking and that you are YOU and FREE to be ALL YOU CAN BE. This is your path, and its all yours for the taking. The decisions you make along the way whether ‘GOOD’ or ‘BAD’ are all yours to make so indulge in them and create that unique being the creator designed for you to be.

“There is nothing more beautiful than seeing a person being themselves. Imagine going through your day being unapologetically you.” – Steve Maraboli

 

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The Best Thing I Never Had

“What goes around comes back around… you turned out to be the best thing I never had”. Those are the lyrics of Beyoncé’s hit we all know. I am not going to dive into the meaning of song; I think we all understand it pretty well. What I admire about the song is the level of confidence that song projects. Maybe, he was actually the best thing she never had, maybe not, who knows. But having that confidence to feel that there is better out there is really something to think about.

I am not focusing on relationships here; I am focusing on general disappointments in life. Life has the potential to throw us curve balls from time to time and having the kind of confidence that the song exudes really stands to make a difference in how we get up in those trying times.I remember once I dedicated so much time, I mean TIME. I mean I cut my friends out, I cut social interactions out, and I woke up at 4am each day before work to study for an exam. For months, my lunch and dinner partner were my books. I didn’t even know they still produced the morning metro paper. I could not even tell you whether the person I sat next to on a train in the morning was a man or a woman. YES, that’s how much TIME I dedicated. My study sessions seemed to be going pretty well, then the exam came and I didn’t do so well.

What stuck to me like glue was what a friend said to me afterwards, she said ‘maybe it’s a good thing you didn’t do well, maybe that wasn’t for you’. I was in angry mode…thoughts flew across my mind from ‘Do you know how much time I gave to this?’ to ‘How dare you tell me that, if you had dedicated half the time I dedicated, you would have probably given up on life’.

It has been a while since this incident and I completely understand what she was trying to do.  She understood I was disappointed but she also understood that nothing could change that disappointment and the only way I could be happy would be to focus on the future that is yet to be written. And what better way to focus on the future than making the past trivial.  This experience taught me the lesson that my past need not determine my future. I now exude the confidence that my future will always be better than my past and most importantly I choose to focus on the learnings of my past disappointments. I look back at those moments when I was studying for that exam and I realize that I exuded discipline, determination, and dedication amongst other traits that I really should be thankful for.

The result of the exam wasn’t what I hoped for but along the way I gained and developed traits that has made me a better and more productive person; traits that seek to benefit me long-term in both my personal and professional life.

I guess the point of this post is that it doesn’t matter whether the song ‘the best I never had’ is a self-delusional coping mechanism to deal with difficult times or not. Either way, I believe it serves a bigger purpose of focusing one’s energy on the future, not on the past. I leave you with this quote from Beryl Markham:

  “I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance.”