#SASSYFUNKE

Someone I didn’t know but was somehow connected with through a series of unfortunate circumstances shared this phrase with me a while back. It sticks to me daily because of how simple yet profound the statement is. The circumstances to which it came up is in itself very interesting, quite shocking and eye-opening to me but not one I will bore anyone with. I am not one who likes lies but as I journey through life, I see it as a prominent contributor to everyday living. Sometimes we lie to save ourselves from hurt, or simply to save others from hurt or simply because it’s just easier to lie.

Do our lies mean we are bad people? Does it mean we have no regard for the person being lied to? Do they not deserve our truth? Does it mean we love the person any less? Does it mean we have no moral sense of right and wrong? At what point is a lie too big? What lies can we forgive? Which ones are unforgiveable? These questions I have no answer to. Lies I know can hurt, some can boost our confidence, some are necessary just so we can live ‘peacefully’ and move on.

I am not one that favours lies mainly because lies eat me up. It reflects who I am as a person. I find myself to be my own worst critic and I can’t sleep well knowing I have sprayed some lies over the course of the day. Don’t get me wrong, I do ‘lie’ at times but not the kind of lie that hurts but mainly the kind that wants to avoid hurting people. Such an irony right? As I try to justify my lies. What makes my lies any better that the other person’s lies.

But back to main point of my note, when we lie we need to understand that our lies if found out have consequences and the question we need to answer is whether we can handle these consequences. Whether we can deal with the aftermath of the pain and hurt our lies have caused…truth be told, at some point the truth and lies may take different routes but they end up on the same level where they are face to face where in most cases truth prevails but then the damage is done.

Are our lies then worth it? 

I said to her as she drove me home ‘My love for you will never fade’

What a statement? What an assertion? but what did it mean to me?

It meant that whatever happens, through whatever pain she may cause me in the future,

through whatever trials she may have

I would stand beside her – through it all

I made that commitment knowing fully what I was prepared to do

It wasn’t a sweeping statement that sounded good in the ‘moment’

It was a statement that lived within me for so long..for over a decade

She wasn’t just anyone. She was the epitome of FRIENDSHIP.

Her love knew no bounds, It had no rules, It was utterly selfless, It was uplifting, It was beautiful

It never bought me down, It always seeked LIGHT, NEVER stood in the dark

Her love, her friendship, her ways, her character, her heart….that’s what I aspire to have all around me everyday till the day I am no more

It is either her LOVE or NO love….

Featured image: desiComments

I guess before I start to run with my words, we need to understand what an enabler is. An enabler is a person who, acting out of a sincere sense of love, loyalty and concern, steps in to protect, cover up for, make excuses for and become more responsible for a person negative behavior. I focus my note on enabling negative behavior in general, not touching specifically on the issues of drugs or alcohol.

Day in, day out, in my life, in the life of friends, in the life of family and really in society as a whole, I see this act repeatedly and in most cases, this act of enabling is born out of a fear of loss. My view on this act is that enabling should be eradicated. My strong stand is born not only because of the negative I see done by these ‘enabled’ individuals to their enablers but also because of the damage being done to the ‘enabled’ by their enablers.In intimate love relationships, you may forgive disappointments or hurt. With family, you may forgive similarly because “Blood is thicker than water and whether you like it or not, they are your family’. I am not saying that one shouldn’t forgive; on the contrary I believe forgiveness can be an important release for all parties in times of conflict. What I am trying to get across is that at different stages of any kind of relationship, you need to set standards; you need for people to understand what you will and will not tolerate and then make them accountable when they fail to meet standards.

This process of setting standards and boundaries is one in which most of us get A* at. The other and probably most important step of actually making sure people adhere and abide to those standards we’ve set is the step most of us fail at. We fail at it mainly because we view avoiding an easier task than confronting. We hate having seemingly confrontational conversations because ‘we don’t want to upset the person’ or ‘they might leave us’ or ‘I just love her too much’or ‘am sure she won’t do it next time’. In my opinion, this mindset/thoughtprocess is one of a weak mind and potentially detrimental. Why a weak mind? Well someone not adhering to your standards simply means they don’t respect it and also you not bringing it to their attention also means you don’t respect your own standards (standards that perhaps you previously delivered so eloquently in a conversation prior).

One of my favorite quotes of all time is Tony Gaskins’ ‘You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop and what you reinforce’. This quote pretty much sums up my thoughts on the issue of enabling. Enabling does not resolve issues, it simply buries them for a little while until they begin to manifest in a different form at a different time. I believe you need to actively teach people how to treat you by calling them out when they treat you badly and letting them understand the repercussions of their actions.

People that fundamental love and respect you will respect the fact that you are not enabling or indulging in their bad habits. My mum told me a while back that you need people around you that you can tell the truth to and be honest with and that anyone that decides to step out a relationship (whether it be a friendship/family relationship/love relationship/marriage) with you because you refuse to ‘enable’ their bad behavior them didn’t respect you or your values and standards to begin with and its perhaps better they make their swift exit. So I guess the lesson for the day is for both you and I to stop enabling negative behavior. We will not only develop great, honest relationships when we do so but we will also bring out the best in others.

I don’t think people understand that you can forgive a person and not allow them back into your life 

|| Alex Elle

Are you an enabler? Why do you think you keep enabling?