I guess before I start to run with my words, we need to understand what an enabler is. An enabler is a person who, acting out of a sincere sense of love, loyalty and concern, steps in to protect, cover up for, make excuses for and become more responsible for a person negative behavior. I focus my note on enabling negative behavior in general, not touching specifically on the issues of drugs or alcohol.
Day in, day out, in my life, in the life of friends, in the life of family and really in society as a whole, I see this act repeatedly and in most cases, this act of enabling is born out of a fear of loss. My view on this act is that enabling should be eradicated. My strong stand is born not only because of the negative I see done by these ‘enabled’ individuals to their enablers but also because of the damage being done to the ‘enabled’ by their enablers.In intimate love relationships, you may forgive disappointments or hurt. With family, you may forgive similarly because “Blood is thicker than water and whether you like it or not, they are your family’. I am not saying that one shouldn’t forgive; on the contrary I believe forgiveness can be an important release for all parties in times of conflict. What I am trying to get across is that at different stages of any kind of relationship, you need to set standards; you need for people to understand what you will and will not tolerate and then make them accountable when they fail to meet standards.
This process of setting standards and boundaries is one in which most of us get A* at. The other and probably most important step of actually making sure people adhere and abide to those standards we’ve set is the step most of us fail at. We fail at it mainly because we view avoiding an easier task than confronting. We hate having seemingly confrontational conversations because ‘we don’t want to upset the person’ or ‘they might leave us’ or ‘I just love her too much’or ‘am sure she won’t do it next time’. In my opinion, this mindset/thoughtprocess is one of a weak mind and potentially detrimental. Why a weak mind? Well someone not adhering to your standards simply means they don’t respect it and also you not bringing it to their attention also means you don’t respect your own standards (standards that perhaps you previously delivered so eloquently in a conversation prior).
One of my favorite quotes of all time is Tony Gaskins’ ‘You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop and what you reinforce’. This quote pretty much sums up my thoughts on the issue of enabling. Enabling does not resolve issues, it simply buries them for a little while until they begin to manifest in a different form at a different time. I believe you need to actively teach people how to treat you by calling them out when they treat you badly and letting them understand the repercussions of their actions.
People that fundamental love and respect you will respect the fact that you are not enabling or indulging in their bad habits. My mum told me a while back that you need people around you that you can tell the truth to and be honest with and that anyone that decides to step out a relationship (whether it be a friendship/family relationship/love relationship/marriage) with you because you refuse to ‘enable’ their bad behavior them didn’t respect you or your values and standards to begin with and its perhaps better they make their swift exit. So I guess the lesson for the day is for both you and I to stop enabling negative behavior. We will not only develop great, honest relationships when we do so but we will also bring out the best in others.
I don’t think people understand that you can forgive a person and not allow them back into your life
|| Alex Elle
Are you an enabler? Why do you think you keep enabling?
