Why Toke Makinwa’s “On becoming” isn’t going to impact many of us

I was in two minds when Toke Makinwa’s book first came out. I can admit that I enjoy watching quite a number of her relationship Vlogs shared on youtube and that I follow her on instagram (She is certainly entertaining). The reason why I was in two minds was that I never really saw her as an author (where was the credibility?) and also because I already had a sense of what the book would be about. Those that don’t know Toke, here is a brief description of her. She is a Nigerian celebrity that left her husband who cheated on her with his ex (an ex who he impregnated whilst married to Toke). Her book had to capitalize on this to make it appeal to the masses, no?

In her book, Toke shared her life story and her journey of love, betrayal, shame and the works; a journey ending in self-love. There were two issues that stuck out to me through out the course of my maybe 2hours full read of the book. One was “self-love”, the other “culture”. Self-love is needed for anyone to see anything clearly and it was clear that Toke for a significant part of her life lacked self-love

Toke had so many danger signs swimming her way but refused to yield, not because she didn’t see them or because she didn’t have friends or family that brought it to her attention (she had those in abundance) but simply because she didn’t respect or love herself enough (a fact she admits in her book). The reason for the title of my post “Why Toke Makinwa’s ‘On becoming’ isn’t going to impact many of us” is because of the second issue of “culture”. If we are to be honest with ourselves (especially us Nigerians), Toke’s story is nothing new. It has been written a million times as many of us have lived through her story in some form or another, we have friends that are currently living through the same script and if culture doesn’t change, our children’s children will continue to live through the same script.

Toke is not the first woman to stick with a man who clearly had wandering eyes for other women. She is not the first to fall hopelessly in love and run back to a man who had shown his true colors multiple times. She is not the first to be scorned with “You’re the wife, she’s the girlfriend. Its high time you started behaving like my wife; she’s just a girl”. She is not the first to have her husband impregnate his mistress and most likely she won’t be the last.Why you say? Because of cultural norms.

Cultural norms in Nigeria says stick through hell in marriage even if you are about to have your last breathe. If you begin to say otherwise, you are perceived of having “Oyinbo” aka western ways and that you have forgotten where you came from. Our culture has thought us less about self-love and too much about pleasing the masses and not shaming the world aka family, friends and society. Changing these cultural norms is necessary to prevent situations like Toke’s occurring again and to do so it will take more than Toke’s book but I guess it’s certainly a start.

 

What do you think of my perspective? Do you believe Toke’s book will make an impact in our world? And if so, how much of an impact?

Featured image: bella naija

Why I am AWED by Tiwa Savage and why YOU should be too!

I am not sure which rock you have been hiding under if you haven’t heard about the Tiwa Savage saga (I am addressing my African  people here but possibly my international people too since Tiwa Savage is one of Nigeria’s biggest stars). Tiwa has been trending on Twitter for the past few days. I will try and sum up why here.

Tiwa did an exclusive with Pulse TV dishing out pretty much everything about her marriage from her hubby  stepping out on her to her essentially holding the house down whilst he borrowing money she had to paid back (to him stealing her money and using drugs whilst paying zero for their kid’s diapers). Honestly just watch the youtube link at the end of my post for some serious talk from our star Tiwa (as my friend mentioned, you need to sit down quietly with some tea to take this one in. Did I mention he tried to commit suicide before this interview (but his celebrity friend just happened to be at the bridge at the same time to save him?)

The point of my post today is not to dive into she issues highlighted in her interview but to tell you why am awed by her, why I respect her, why she is one of a kind. Yes, ONE OF A KIND

1. Tiwa seemed to be the provider in the family and held in down for her and her hubby whilst he didn’t have much (and whilst he also put her in debt). Honestly, it takes a one-of-a-kind Nigerian woman to be holding it down in this day and age (actually maybe I am naiive here, maybe many naija women are like Tiwa and simply never spill they are the breadwinner in their homes). Some will say she was stupid but I will say she was committed to making those she loved better (and what wouldn’t we ALL do for those we truly love?)

2. She stood by him through atrocities. Ok, this one needs expanding. I have noticed that my Nigerian men believe it is ok for them to cheat (I mean serious cheating) and that it is part and part of the parcel. I remember a guy friend telling me that women can’t have it all. In his words “If he’s rich and taking care of you, it’s not big deal if he cheats – at least he is taking care of you” #IHaveDied50Times #ThisMenAreSmokingSomething. I hail her for understanding the meaning of commitment and remaining committed (in her marriage) #AssumingItsAllTrue.

3. A lot of people have bashed her on social media for doing this 45min interview (FYI Nigerian critics are the worst critics to ever come across #TheyWillSlaughterYou – like seriously! you will think you did something personal to them – BUT they are also the most entertaining ones) spilling the beans on her relationship. I personally hail her. It takes guts, serious guts to get on TV and admit I made a crazy crazy mistake for choosing this man, for tolerating his BS and admit she was done. Like some serious balls (This is Nigeria, a country where people like suffering in silence and keeping their things on the DL all to keep perception that they are living the good life). #AsLongAsThisIsntSomeTwistedPRStunt

Honestly, I am in awe of her for keeping it real. I am in awe of her for choosing love, for remaining committed to love, for protecting love and for having the courage to say she wants to let go when she couldn’t handle it anymore.

Tiwa, I am in AWE of you for admitting you are HUMAN.

Too many of us are too weak to admit this. Being human is OK and REAL (I am sure many women relate to Tiwa and she has in some way has spoken out on behalf of thousands if not millions of women and because of that, she has my respect.)

What do you think about the whole #TiwaSavage situation? Was she wrong for doing the interview? For sharing her truth? I would love to hear your thoughts

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O22u_FUkmu8

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” || Ann Landers

Why you need to let go of some relationships TODAY.

I was inspired to write this particular post a month ago when I went to church and heard a sermon about “relationship audit”. The title pretty much sums it up…essentially how we need to periodically audit those we are in a relationship (friendships and the likes) with and really discern whether these relationships are opening us to opportunities and growth or ushering us into failure.

 

I personally constantly reflect on some of the relationships that I have and know I need to nip a few of them in the bud. These relationships seem of convenience (those that are so great when all is well but fall apart when shook-up, you know those ones filled with “happiness” as long as you are in agreement but when you’re not….its another dramatic story). I am not one for these weak selective relationships. Yes, I believe they are weak and I have no energy for weak souls or interations. They need to keep it moving. My friendships need to be able to embrace and deal with storms for them to mean something of substance to me.

 

So to why YOU (and I) need to let go of these relationships (of convenience and the likes):

 

  1. Eliminate fakeness: there is always some element of ingenuity and not being able to yourself so as not to offend the other party…aint no one have time for that. Life is too short to be living in pretence to make someone else feel ok.

 

  1. Exhaustion: Time, emotionally and mentally exhausting – you get the drift

 

  1. Creating space: We all complain of not having enough time but I have come to realize that the act of stepping back of some relationships gives you more time and mental capacity and space. Space to give more to yourself or to those friendships that breed growth (or even space to sleep longer/better 🙂 )

 

  1. Your potential: This point is so simple yet the most important for me, some of these relationship will literally limit the potential of who you can become. Some relationship just block you from your destiny (Nigerian church’s are really rubbing off on me lol). Y’all know I love myself too much to let any one outside of myself to limit my potential.

 

Anyways those are my little two cents on this beautiful Sunday evening in Lagos.

 

What did you think of the whole concept of “relationship audit” and is it something you engage in from time to time?

 

“Draw a circle around yourself- invite people in or keep them out. We are the creators of our own social geometry. Calculate your volume.”

|| Rachel Wolchin

 

 

 

The Lagos Chronicles: The only good thing about Valentine’s day

So it’s nearly here, the day of love, the day of roses, the day of gifts . Valentine’s day means a lot to some and nothing to others. I have heard of relationships where the guy says “I don’t celebrate Valentine’s day, it’s a marketing ploy. One should be appreciated everyday and not only on Valentine’s”. My question for these guys is “do you appreciate your babe or babes every day?? (I digress).

OK, so my friends and I were gisting about why Valentine’s day is good. And what we came up with had nothing to do with gifts, roses or the works, it simply had to do with finding out whether your boo/bae/husband/main squeeze had another squeeze/side chic/main chic/side lover/bae/small chops.

  1. If he spends THE Valentines day with you (daylight time included) – YOU ARE THE BAE
  2. If he spends the night before Valentines day with you and says he has to work the next day (Vals day) or has family commitments – YOU ARE THE SMALL CHOPS
  3. If he spends 3 hours or less with you before Valentines day ends –YOU ARE STILL THE SMALL CHOPS

So I hope I have helped you in recognizing your role in your relationship( My own opinion o). Note that I am not saying being small chops is a bad thing ooo…I know some babes like being small chops (each to their own – am sure there are benefits).

What do you think of my ways to spot your role in a relationship? Please share others ways to help your sisters out there xxx

The Lagos Chronicles: “You women are the worst”

Before I received my driving license here in Lagos, I went through a number of hurdles, one of which was an interview style test I had at the test centre (I am sure you will debate whether this exists but it does). I took this test amongst 4 other men. What was interesting to me was the comments made by the test administrator prior to initiating the test. He spent a few minutes talking to us about how women were bad drivers (of course apologizing to me in advance). He said there is no way a woman would allow you to overtake them and how we women were very aggressive and needed to be more courteous on the road.

A few weeks later, I made an attempt to queue up at a Mobil petrol station. I noticed two cars (with male drivers) in front of me (but on the other side of the road) making a turn around. I assumed they were turning to drive off in my direction but it seemed they were also trying to queue up. One made it in front of me, the other didn’t. They went on to give me dirty looks and throw words I couldn’t quite make out, all of which I of course ignored. Anyways fast forward, once we reached the petrol pumps and I stepped out to fill my tank, the guy in front of me at another pump came over to ask why I behaved like that. I asked him why he was being aggressive, he said and I quote “you women are the worst, you are never nice on the road, so aggressive”.

These two experiences and other similar ones I had since I have moved back made me reflect deeper as to why women were perceived this way. I realized that when women are nice or perceived sweet, they are taken advantaged of so women automatically take a defensive approach on the road (I am generalizing by the way). I think this reasoning further applies off the road. I have heard men complain that women are quick to say in regard to relationships “what do you want from me?” or “if you’re not serious about me, leave me alone” or “are we exclusive, if not leave me?” all in a bid to protect themselves. The question is can you blame them? Everyone has a natural instinct to protect one’s self from pain so maybe, just maybe it’s the experiences that we have endured that has “hardened” us. The truth is there is nothing hard about us, dig deeper and you will find that we are soft shells fearful of being taken advantage.

 

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” 
|| Marie Curie

I would love to hear you thoughts on this piece. Can you relate?

Till next time

#Sassy

The Best Thing I Never Had

“What goes around comes back around… you turned out to be the best thing I never had”. Those are the lyrics of Beyoncé’s hit we all know. I am not going to dive into the meaning of song; I think we all understand it pretty well. What I admire about the song is the level of confidence that song projects. Maybe, he was actually the best thing she never had, maybe not, who knows. But having that confidence to feel that there is better out there is really something to think about.

I am not focusing on relationships here; I am focusing on general disappointments in life. Life has the potential to throw us curve balls from time to time and having the kind of confidence that the song exudes really stands to make a difference in how we get up in those trying times.I remember once I dedicated so much time, I mean TIME. I mean I cut my friends out, I cut social interactions out, and I woke up at 4am each day before work to study for an exam. For months, my lunch and dinner partner were my books. I didn’t even know they still produced the morning metro paper. I could not even tell you whether the person I sat next to on a train in the morning was a man or a woman. YES, that’s how much TIME I dedicated. My study sessions seemed to be going pretty well, then the exam came and I didn’t do so well.

What stuck to me like glue was what a friend said to me afterwards, she said ‘maybe it’s a good thing you didn’t do well, maybe that wasn’t for you’. I was in angry mode…thoughts flew across my mind from ‘Do you know how much time I gave to this?’ to ‘How dare you tell me that, if you had dedicated half the time I dedicated, you would have probably given up on life’.

It has been a while since this incident and I completely understand what she was trying to do.  She understood I was disappointed but she also understood that nothing could change that disappointment and the only way I could be happy would be to focus on the future that is yet to be written. And what better way to focus on the future than making the past trivial.  This experience taught me the lesson that my past need not determine my future. I now exude the confidence that my future will always be better than my past and most importantly I choose to focus on the learnings of my past disappointments. I look back at those moments when I was studying for that exam and I realize that I exuded discipline, determination, and dedication amongst other traits that I really should be thankful for.

The result of the exam wasn’t what I hoped for but along the way I gained and developed traits that has made me a better and more productive person; traits that seek to benefit me long-term in both my personal and professional life.

I guess the point of this post is that it doesn’t matter whether the song ‘the best I never had’ is a self-delusional coping mechanism to deal with difficult times or not. Either way, I believe it serves a bigger purpose of focusing one’s energy on the future, not on the past. I leave you with this quote from Beryl Markham:

  “I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance.”