I was in two minds when Toke Makinwa’s book first came out. I can admit that I enjoy watching quite a number of her relationship Vlogs shared on youtube and that I follow her on instagram (She is certainly entertaining). The reason why I was in two minds was that I never really saw her as an author (where was the credibility?) and also because I already had a sense of what the book would be about. Those that don’t know Toke, here is a brief description of her. She is a Nigerian celebrity that left her husband who cheated on her with his ex (an ex who he impregnated whilst married to Toke). Her book had to capitalize on this to make it appeal to the masses, no?
In her book, Toke shared her life story and her journey of love, betrayal, shame and the works; a journey ending in self-love. There were two issues that stuck out to me through out the course of my maybe 2hours full read of the book. One was “self-love”, the other “culture”. Self-love is needed for anyone to see anything clearly and it was clear that Toke for a significant part of her life lacked self-love
Toke had so many danger signs swimming her way but refused to yield, not because she didn’t see them or because she didn’t have friends or family that brought it to her attention (she had those in abundance) but simply because she didn’t respect or love herself enough (a fact she admits in her book). The reason for the title of my post “Why Toke Makinwa’s ‘On becoming’ isn’t going to impact many of us” is because of the second issue of “culture”. If we are to be honest with ourselves (especially us Nigerians), Toke’s story is nothing new. It has been written a million times as many of us have lived through her story in some form or another, we have friends that are currently living through the same script and if culture doesn’t change, our children’s children will continue to live through the same script.
Toke is not the first woman to stick with a man who clearly had wandering eyes for other women. She is not the first to fall hopelessly in love and run back to a man who had shown his true colors multiple times. She is not the first to be scorned with “You’re the wife, she’s the girlfriend. Its high time you started behaving like my wife; she’s just a girl”. She is not the first to have her husband impregnate his mistress and most likely she won’t be the last.Why you say? Because of cultural norms.
Cultural norms in Nigeria says stick through hell in marriage even if you are about to have your last breathe. If you begin to say otherwise, you are perceived of having “Oyinbo” aka western ways and that you have forgotten where you came from. Our culture has thought us less about self-love and too much about pleasing the masses and not shaming the world aka family, friends and society. Changing these cultural norms is necessary to prevent situations like Toke’s occurring again and to do so it will take more than Toke’s book but I guess it’s certainly a start.
What do you think of my perspective? Do you believe Toke’s book will make an impact in our world? And if so, how much of an impact?
Featured image: bella naija
Hi hi hi, so I tend to not do this on a public platform but I will on this issue. I agree wit most things u said but what I wil disagree with is d cultural blame. Don’t get me wrong, we know we av a long way 2 go culturally but in today’s age n day I get very annoyed with our generation when they lay d blame at culture’s footstep. U shud b taking responsibilities 4 ur life afta a certain stage! Yoruba wil say ‘ti won ba bi e tan, wa tun ra e bi’. Meaning afta they av given birth 2 u, u wil rebirth urself how u want. Yes we r moulded n trained this way but nigeria today is not our parents nigeria 4rm yesterday!!! So lets grown sum big gal pants n tell Toke she messed up by ignoring al d signs, and that is why NOTHING wil change, book or not.
Thank you for your perspective Titi! I very much enjoyed reading it. I agree with you that the Nigeria today isn’t the Nigeria of yesterday. No doubt that a significant amount of the blame is on Toke for not addressing the warning signs, for precisely not loving her self enough. But I believe it would be a one-sided view if we do not look at the role culture had to play here. Bear in mind that culture is a set of ideas, customs and belief, and we see it prevalent in the messages that are conveyed in the media in Nigeria and that were also conveyed by the older generation to Toke. As such I believe there is blame on both sides…how much of the blame (80/20 or 50/50 or 90/10?) to attribute to Toke is not for me. All that said, I agree that we should all stop blaming others (culture or not) for our own demise for the simple reason that we are able to do more about it/change things if we believe we own our situations.
Love your post!! Personally i enjoyed the book but from what I read so far I think we all need to wake up and smell the coffee and I know sometimes it’s really hard for people to understand those people that take the Nigerian culture in marriage to heart, it’s what they know and grew up with it’s really hard to change that. In addition when you really love a person its very hard to let go. It’s not easy but like I tell my friends if a guy cheated on you while you were dating the tendency of him cheating again is very high no matter what. So we ladies need to be more careful and prayerful before saying I Do it’s better to take your time and marry late than get married early and have a broken marriage.
Thank you Temi for your comment! You bring up a valid point in that a lot of people take the prevalent beliefs and norms in our society to heart but that most of them are not necessarily as exposed. So many that have opposing views that Toke was just not smart are coming from having being exposed to a lot more than Toke. But your fundamental message that women should be careful and PRAYERFUL before saying “I DO” is one that I love and one that I will certainly continue to push to those around me. I look forward to many more insights from you.